bitches be writin’ about…pimps and tricks

I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Do you ever get that feeling when you’re writing, where you are sick to fucking death of your characters and wish they would get a damn life and leave you the fuck alone? Because anyone who has characters and plots and other shit locked in their brains know THEY tell YOU what to do, not the other way around. They are your pimps. They OWN you, yo. You are their total bitch and at their complete and utter disposal.

*sighs dramatically with hand over eyes in a dramatic couch pose*

Trickin’ ain’t easy, lemme tell ya. My pimps are always wanting to be paid, and it seems I’m always coming up short. Even this very blog was due last nite. So again. I am late. I am always late. Just seems to be my lot in life. I need to do better with my life. And I will. I promise. Right after this blog post.

*Ignores disapproving frown from PR Diva Rach*

So…..I’m like four months past my original deadline and everyone and their mama who thinks they’re polite and supportive, politely and supportively ask: “How’s the writing coming along? Ya finish that book yet?”

At which point, in my fantasies….because those are the only ones that count on this blog, I turn into the she-hulk I have told my children is my dual identity. And yes, they believe me.

It helps that my dad told them he was the incredible hulk and I just followed suit one day when they were being their particular brand of twins awful. (Never adopt two little boys who are the same age. Nothing good will come of it, I promise. You always have to watch them out of the corner of your eye for fear of plotting world domination. I kid. But not really. More on this at another date. I would write more now, but they’re watching me. Sneaky little monsters. *glances around nervously*0_o)

Anyways…..what was I saying? Ok. So…Yeah. She-hulk. Me. I was saying I want to turn all She-hulk on my good-natured friends and family and smile and say,

Why, thank you ever so much for asking for the 99th time! No, actually I have NOT finished the damn book yet, but I feel a little more like a lazy piece of shit everyday it’s not and you ask. *inserts ferocious roar and laffs as they all cower in fear* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Additionally, I belong to several writing loops where I watch people release new work like I eat slim jims. That means it’s a lot. it’s a problem I have and I am dealing with it. As I always say, please don’t judge me. I don’t say shit when I see you doing that thing you do when you said what you said. I just keep it pushin’ and look the other way. LIKE YOU NEED TO DO FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

So say it’s not just me. Someone tell me they are in hell right now, trying to eke out these last details in hopes that you FINALLY let your mind rest, release a second book so you can prove to yourself and the rest of your loved ones that this was NOT a phase and that you really are serious about this shit, (DAMMIT) and garner those five fucking sales that show you’re not a total douche and somewhere on the planet….someone enjoys what you write.

And maybe, just maybe, gets your stupidly asinine humor.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “bitches be writin’ about…pimps and tricks”

    1. you and me both, stormie….i am just like look. not today. i’ll have your money tomorrow. i promise i’ll write the scene!!!! *thinks of every bad hbo special and cringes, awaiting pimp slap*

      ah well. in either case thanks for stopping by. nice to know i never walk alone. well. maybe i do, but i see other people and occasionally wave. everyone doesn’t wave back but it’s ok. cuz I STILL SEE THEM (whispers loudly).

  1. I hate when people ask me about my novel, how far along is it, what are you writing on now. I sometimes get the sinking feeling they’re just asking to be polite, don’t really care, and have nothing else to say.

    Instead they just want to piss me off. But I smile. And think about how I could always just write a scene where a character, who has absolutely nothing (and everything) to do with this person jumps off a cliff.

    1. omg, tyla….RIGHT?????? my thing is i don’t actually need you to ask, and would almost rather some people did it. i very much feel like the slower child who condescendingly gets patted on the head, like isn’t she precious thinking she’s an ACTUAL writer, lol…

      i’m like keep it up…..and i WILL write a character suspiciously bearing your resemblance who gets eaten slowly by a band of rabid cannibals. which….are worse than REGULAR cannibals. *side eye* and you KNOW people are doing that shit now….it’s like a thing or something….just sayin. thanks for stopping by.

  2. Many times my manuscript has made me its bitch. Whenever I can return the favor I’m pretty darned impressed with myself. I feel you about other authors turning out work faster than I can inhale cupcakes. I always wonder if they’ve got a box of like 50 finished works they’re pulling from, or if they have a series of clones like Diddy in that Macy’s commercial. Then again, maybe it’s because I have been known to overthink EVERYTHING. So, you’re not alone, and yes it will get better. Just keep at it.

    1. GIRL…..you ain’t nuttin but a word, lmao!!!! i think you might be in my head. it makes me feel like the slow child in class that everyone pats kindly on the head and smiles a little too brightly? like oh…..you poor, simple, stupid, pitiful little bitch. aren’t you precious? that saccharine sweet smile that is completely fake, phony and patronizing all at the same time…

      yeah….i have to keep saying this is a marathon and not a race. and that people who write better than i do will not always sell what i sell, and people who write worse will sometimes sell more than i sell. it’s no sense trying to figure out what makes sense because none of it does. dammit. and i do think a lot of people WERE kinda smart and had a lot of shit stockpiled on their computer, waiting for an opportunity and finally getting their chance.

      ok…i’ve prolly said more than you ever really asked for or wanted. and maybe nothing to really do with your comment. i dunno. but for some reason your post inspired one of my infamous nonsensical rants. *grins* thanks for stopping by in either case! -alisa

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s